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Dear... Xien Desdemona

First off, thank you and I’m sorry.

I guess it’s over now, no? Heck, our LDR no-face relationship lasted for almost 9 months– that’s a world record I’m sure. This will be the last time you will ever hear of me, so I might as well blurt all my thoughts out. I might sound fake and phony here but I was genuinely MOSTLY happy throughout our relationship. It was simple and somewhat served as an oasis to my hellish reality. You were my most beautiful distraction.

You were my most beautiful distraction until my first cheating incident happened. To clarify, my intention is to be transparent about my thought process leading to the tragic end of our relationship, not to justify my wrong actions or blame anyone but myself. After the first cheating incident, I was trying to prove to both you and mainly myself that I truly loved you. 

I called you for hours, brought you to different places, sang you to sleep, and even brought you in while I’m bathing (just to prove a point). But that subtly, got me exhausted, I felt like we were just together not because we really wanted to be together but because we really have no other. I was stuck in those thoughts for a while. It wasn’t also helping the fact that I can’t see you when I wanted to so bad. Really bad. 

But then again, this is not to blame you but this is just to be transparent about my thoughts, I am completely aware of my incompetencies in terms of adapting to heavy pressure and a new environment. For that, again I am sorry– I adored a woman other than you. She did not know that I have a girlfriend, so the blame is on me. I flirted with her for almost two weeks but I did not go into a relationship with her. It ended with just the two of us ghosting each other. You can ask her about it but kindly refrain from sending hateful words to her.

I am feeling thankful for your existence and sorry for mine. You have made me realize things that I haven’t realized before. I loved you and I still do. However, it will almost never work between us. I am just too immature and fucked-up who doesn’t know how to love and be loved.

Then again, I am truly sorry for everything that I have done. I know words are not enough to soothe the anger and pain I brought but I sure hope that revealing my incompetencies would help even for a bit.

FROM…. Sane Man

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