I have a ton of things to say but idk if i’ll be able to. i never wrote one of those gratitude paragraphs for you, maybe bc i thought what we would continue forever, till the day one of us dies lmao. 

I’m not kidding you, i actually wanted to spend my whole life with you, maybe not as the person who loves you romantically but as your bestfriend. things took an ugly turn after that, i got competitive, i got greedy. i wanted to be perfect, don’t get me wrong my enmity wasn’t with you, i was my own enemy. 

I know you think im toxic, and i won’t deny that. maybe i am, maybe i deserve to get hurt. idk why it was only with you, you got the best and the worst of me, and im still trying to figure out how that works. i won’t be able to forgive you though, when i chose you over myself, i wanted you to choose me over yourself as well. i expected that, but its fine, whatever keeps us happy 🙂 

All im saying is that if i had the chance to go back, i would choose you all over again. sounds dumb but i never wanted to give you hope. i never liked you romantically, let’s start there. you were leaving and that seemed like the only way to make you stay so i lied. i wanted to be your bestfriend, i never wanted to love you for your own good tbh. i can’t love people, and i didn’t have it in me to hurt you. 

I wanted you to be one of those friends of mine that leave me at my worst, when it stings so bad i almost want to die because i love them that much, that i’d die for them. to be fair, im not sad now that you’re gone. maybe i would have been if we were just friends, but you unintentionally taught me how to be cold, no matter what happens. you taught me to make myself a priority and that’s all im doing, by breaking your heart ig. i’m sorry there’s no right person wrong time, bc if it was the right person the time wouldn’t be wrong. time wouldn’t be that cruel to us, right? 

We deserved a happier ending, more emotional, and way softer than this uncertain vague coldness that i feel when i think about us. you were my favorite childhood memory and i hate the fact that now i just want to get you erased from my memory. it hurts too much. 

I kinda wish i never met you, then i could’ve stayed as the emotional, sensitive broken girl i was before you showed up. not this cold, guilty emotionless b!tch that i am now. we have said goodbyes too many times, it feels unfair at this point. i keep feeling you might just come back tmrw and like a fool i’d let you. ik you hate me, and i hate you too.

FROM…. A