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Dear... Dad I love you - C

I love you.

I miss you more and more every day, and I’m not sure how to deal or cope with it. it’s like I can’t explain what I’m feeling, and it’s pissing me off because everyone else knows. how do you know it hurts? how do you know what complete emptiness feels like? because I wanna know, I really do.

I wanna know what I’m feeling, what I have been feeling for the last couple of years since you died. every day I beg, I beg I’m not the only one not knowing the feeling of despair, thinking that there’s something wrong with me because I don’t know if I’m mentally hurting.

saying that out loud, or writing it down makes me sound like an awful person, who would wanna wish that on anybody? and honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know how I can make myself feel and think all these awful things that I feel so bad about, but I do and I’m sorry about it.

how do you tell someone that your dad died of suicide? what do you do when they ask where he is, or why you don’t live with him and you have to explain it, and they want to know why he did it? because I don’t know anymore I’m so tired of pitty, and having to keep all these secrets about my life and childhood, being uncomfortable every time dads is a thing being brought up.

in a short while, I graduate, and I can already feel all these questions from all these people asking where my dad is, and I don’t wanna deal with it, even though it’s been 4 years.

that makes me feel bad because every time I have to explain why my dad isn’t here I can’t think of him as anything other than selfish because he was. the last thing he did was the most selfish he ever could and I will never fully forgive him for that, and I’m slowly starting to forgive and accept myself for that.
but even after all this.

I love you.

FROM…. Your Daughter -C