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Dear... My Blinding light

Tonight you said you didn’t want a relationship.

And I know I should be fine with that and I mostly am I promise. But it just hurts because you said you liked me and we acted like we were in a relationship so much so I had myself convinced, I was convinced this is what we both wanted but as it turns out it’s one sided.

It also hurts because i know it’s only because you don’t want to be official. I don’t want to just be fuckable to you i don’t just want to be beautiful to you when i’m naked.

I wanted you to look at me with adoring eyes all the time i wanted you to tell me i was intelligent when i splurged my random knowledge onto you i wanted you to call me gorgeous even when i looked like shit i wanted you to play with my hair whilst you told me how your day was. i wanted all the little things. But i cant. And it feels really stupid to cry over it because i told you it was fine. i told you the ball was in your court.

God i wanted to be loveable to you so bad, i’m so tired of just being an object to people. you were the first person that made me feel appreciated for a long time. for months i’ve only seen myself as a sexual object that people could throw away so it was nice to finally be seen as ***** to someone. But it turns out that wasn’t what it was, i am still an object to you and it hurts it really fucking hurts because i honestly really liked you…i still do this isn’t gonna change anything i’m just gonna have to live with the fact that you don’t see me the way i see you. God i really thought this was gonna work out which was really foolish of me looking back because you are way out of my league, you are so perfect in my eyes and not just in looks i love your stupid little games i love the way you watched me when i held your figures to make sure they weren’t gonna break i love that you used to rub my skin until i thought you were gonna give me carpet burn i love that when i bled on my bed you helped me change it and ordered food and watched a movie with me i love that you always held my hand when i was drunk to make sure i didn’t fall over hell i even love when you call me a melt or an idiot for going on midnight walks alone. i love that you cared ****. For once someone cared about me before sex, after sex, even when they weren’t here with me. For once someone showed me a bit of tenderness and care.

I never meant for this to happen. You were meant to be a fling, a passing of light. But fucking hell you were a becan shining right into my fucking eyes, blinding but i couldn’t look away. And now look i’m left blind and you carry on shining, bright as ever. Fucking hell **** i came so close to loving you… i think the only reason i won’t say i do is because i know you don’t want me. But jesus christ, i’m not a lover anyone who knows me will agree.

I leave like a fleeting bird at the sight of commitment but god for you i’d stay around forever.

FROM…. A fleeting bird

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