I am dumbfounded as to what I should do. I cannot stand what my brain does to me. I tell it to stop and it keeps going! I have guarded my heart, but it keeps opening it. Why is it painful? I want to be in love, but my mind stops me. It forces me into contrived scenarios. As if I am running towards a ditch. I will not find anyone if my brain keeps looking inside of itself. Escapism is alright, but this simply goes too far.

I barely have any friends. Family keeps me company. Who will I be with when they are gone? Will it just be me and my brain? I do not want to live like this anymore. I want a life. Fiction is not real life. The internet is not real life. But I am lonely.

Because I am lonely I retreat into my head. It is awful, as I love and hate the feeling simultaneously. Snuggles and talking sweetly, all generated by my mind. My mind! Yet it feels like a real, distant memory. The older memories with “others” lost their luster and are viewed as deranged, wrong. Which they are, as those memories are just as ridiculous. Yet my brain goes back to the same old tricks.

I love fiction, but I never wanted to live inside of a fantasy world. Fantasy world escapism is fine at times, but this is too much. It has taken over what may have been left of my love life.

It feels like figurative torture, and I want to escape!

FROM…. someone mentally in distress