I can’t bear it anymore, it feels like I haven’t made any progress in five, six seven years… From outside, sure it looks like I’m doing well and am more stable, got a job I like got a great partner whom I love I have a freedom I have never tasted before.
But Inwardly I harbour the same feelings. I can’t let go I can’t forget maybe I have forgiven but I’m not sure.
I want closure so badly but I know it most unlikely to happen and I have to live with this. How can I free myself of want?
H, you are a mere shadow in my mind but yet you are undying in your presence, no matter what I do you linger there. You have moved on with your life, you have a wife, a house, jobs you’ve ever wanted, you’ve got your passion for photography. Why am I suffering still? I am angry at myself, I know that we don’t even like each other, I don’t find you attractive, I have no respect for you and I find you pathetic. I see you as someone incapable of true love, not for yourself not for anyone.
You are incapable of caring for yourself. I don’t think you ever loved me, you toyed with me because it was a way out of your suffering in your life. I was a mere distraction for you. Yet you pursed me when I was trying to get away, and in my weakness I could not push you away. You said you loved me in such a dramatic way at that f**king bar, yet the next day you disappeared for a year. We tried again until the culmination of my humiliation; I shudder at the thought that I was ever so weak that such humiliation would be better than not having you in my life. The next month you found yourself a girl and married her. And I’m here writing about you because I can’t move on.
I want a faithful and pure relationship, I know I have everything to have it but because I can’t forget you I feel constantly on the verge of sabotaging it. I have thoughts of affairs with people that remind me of you or people that make me feel the same way you made me feel. I end up fragmenting in two inside of myself because I want it again that fleeting feeling. I know in my heart this feeling is worthless, not pure and most importantly untrustworthy but I feel I could give up everything just for a flash of ecstasy. Then once that will be done, I will be on another cycle for another god knows how many years pinning away for someone I don’t even know.
I curse you although I know I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t met you. I wish you all misery when I say to people I wish you well. I hate you. I wish you’d die but before that, I want to see you suffer. If there is misery in your eyes, I don’T mind you living on, but I want to see it. I want closure I deserve closure.
I feel I can’t do anything in my life, I am infused with hurt. I am tired of thinking of you, I am tired of feeling your presence, of being reminded of you by other assholes. F**k you.
And I know O wants to f**k you, she’ll have an affair with you given the chance. You were already almost having one while you were f**king me, time will make you both weaker and you will f’**k around.
You are afraid of becoming that guy who had two families I remember. You will become that and eventually you’ll kill yourself leaving only misery and pain behind. No one will have a happy thought about you.
I have cut my family and have no second thoughts even though it has been so recent. But you, it’s been so long and here you are in my thoughts. Why?
Those are dark thoughts luring in myself. I can’t admit them to anyone as I’ve told that I’ve moved on and I don’T want to bear that once more. But I can’T lie to myself if I want to move on. I’M working hard to wish you well someday.
FROM…. Defeated me