With my back against the wall I slid down going in and out of consciousness, breathing as though I had just ran a marathon. Love shouldn’t make you panic and it should not make you anxious. Loving you was different. Loving you was an experience I would never take back nor change, but I can’t help and wish sometimes that it hadn’t occurred. Love is beautiful, but your love was much more complex.
Loving you meant giving my all with no idea if you’d give yourself too. Loving you was waking up early to take advantage of the small amount of time we had. Loving you meant charging two iPhones at night so I could give you one each morning for us to text and call throughout the day. Loving you was constantly being in trouble. Loving you meant my every move was watched by the adults that swore to protect and educate us. Loving you meant hidden kisses and holding hands in crowded hallways. Loving you was watching out for your brother so he wouldn’t catch us even though he already knew we were together.
“I don’t know, are we? Are you?” You said, so quick, and without hesitation you answered my questions “Aren’t we worth it? Am I not worth it?”. Breakups are messy, but not as messy as ours. Our breakups meant restraining orders and teachers telling me I’m not allowed in their classroom if you’re there. Our breakups meant chasing and chasing with no end in sight. Our breakups meant getting called to the office almost daily. Our breakups meant breaking down in the main hallway in the middle of a passing period.
Our breakups meant your friends knowing one side of the story but never the other. Our breakups meant awful words and makeup sex.
Loving you was like loving a painting that has yet to be illustrated. Loving you was like watching a sunset so the moon can shine its light for once after a long day. Loving each other was like being the sun and the moon, ever so rarely seen shining together at the same time. Loving you was a challenge of its own, aside from the challenges we faced together. Loving you was deception and arguments. Loving you was looking for places where we could have sex and not get caught. Loving you meant taking the fall for every issue. Loving you meant asking for advice to every adult I knew and most if not all disagreeing with how you handle situations. Loving you was acknowledging that sometimes your immature reactions are trauma based.
“You deserve more than a hidden and closeted relationship. What’s going to happen when she has to choose again. When it’s between you or her parents and education, what is she going to choose and do the impossible for?” The dropout counselor was right, what will you choose and who would you do the impossible for? You chose me, but you did the impossible for them. Our love and future we planned meant nothing to you when the time came. At the end of the day you chose them and I cannot be upset at you for choosing your family.
Loving you meant ignoring my friends at lunchtime so I could spend that time with you. Loving you meant sex by the gymnasium staircase. Loving you was thinking about what to wear that would give you easy access into my underwear. Loving you was dirty talking in class. Loving you meant ignoring assignments to be talking to you for the full 45 minutes. Loving you wasn’t bad, but it was terrifying.
“I’ll make their life impossible and a living hell” Your dad’s threats never phased me, but you took them as though they were the Bible and you were a devout Christian. His punches went directly to your spirit. Your soul confined by four walls that you call “home”.
I will forever love you, no matter how confusing, painful, or detrimental it may be.
Te amo. I’m sorry…
FROM…. AThe one you left