It’s been 6 years or so. So many days, months, years have passes and yet I can’t forget you. It pisses me off because it was not like we had anything or any relationship. It feels like we should have lived something or that we still have something to live together. I have forgiven you for the things you did, or better the things, or thing you did not. You only had to be honest and say that you didn’t wanna go out, but instead you accepted, gave me hope and then pretended I didn’t exist.
I was already hurt by many other things at that time and what you did to me was basically pushing the knife that was stabbing me even deeper. I have to be honest; a lot of feelings crossed my mind during the years. During the first few months I tried being comprehensive, and maybe chat with you whenever I could so maybe we could reverse that situation. Later on, I just hated you with all my heart and soul. You made me scared of demonstrating interest in someone else, you made me think I was crazy and stupid.
Time passed and I thought at this point I shouldn’t be even able to remember your face.
But the sad news (for me) is that I do. Every year, at some point, I remember you. It is usually at the end and beginning of the year God knows why. I wish it was only a memory that crossed my mind rapidly and disappeared just like it came. It actually feels more like a drill that can never go deep enough in my head. It feels like you will never go away.
Two years ago when those memories reappeared, I was still diving in hatred. It was when I realized that hating is well… quite bad, and too much time and energy consuming. So I’ve decided I would forgive you and I did. It took me a while (less than I had imagined tho) but I did it. I’ve also prayed so hard for you (welp I’ve become religious, whou would’ve imagined it?). I have prayed for you to be ok and for you to solve your problems (I’m not sure if you had any, but something was telling me you did). I felt much lighter after that and I thought that you would stop appearing in my mind.
I had a few relationships before we met and then during these 6 years. All of them are over now and one thing that impresses me is that I’ve got all of those men over way easier than you. It kills me, that my last relationship ended a while ago and I’m fine and the guy barely crosses my mind, and you, that I haven’t spoken to in 6 years is still somewhere in my head. Everytime I think I forgot about you, boom you appear. This time, tho, I didn’t feel any hatred towards you. It felt more like nostalgia for some reason. It felt good, but bad at the same time because you’re not here and I don’t know if you will ever be.
As if my thoughts weren’t good enough now you’re once again in my dreams. No matter if I’m sleeping or awake, you’re there. I’ll probably sound repetitive here, but something tells me you’re not (mentally) ok. You probably feel like you’re screaming and no one’s listening. I don’t know, I guess you’re 9.000 km away, but I can hear you.
I don’t know if it is karma, or if we’ve known from past lives, but there’s something I can’t explain. I was talking to a friend of mine these days and he said that maybe if you’re thinking too much about someone it is because they’re thinking about you too. If you are thinking about me, can you please do something about it? Call me, text me or whatever. Remember, I can hear you screaming, and I guess I can do more than just hear. I can help you, but please talk to me. I can help you. Or help you get help. I won’t do those things, I wish I could, I’m sorry, but I think if I did it would seem like I’m running after you, and God, I hate running. And to be very honest, there’s a part of me who is still so afraid that you’ll treat me like shit.
I miss you, I miss the things we didn’t live and the things we should’ve lived together. I hope we meet someday again. I know you’re not okay, but I hope you will be.
FROM…. Pinky hair (that is now dark)