I also don’t know why I am feeling like this. I hate my face, my body, the way I talk, the way I smile, my hair, my mindset, my lifestyle, everything. I hate everything about myself. Ik I shouldn’t but how can I not? every time I look in the mirror I always feel like I’m such a dirty musty greasy human. I hate every part of me. I hate how I can’t open up to my friends.
I hate thinking that If I will it will burden them and that I will be a burden to them. I hate myself more than anyone. Why did even God give me this life? God, why? There are many people saying I live a perfect and happy life, that I have a happy family, good grades, comfy and happy friends, and an average face and that many people like me.. but that is just what I want people to see, that’s not really how my family looks like, yes maybe it’s not that toxic but it’s still not a happy family.
Good grades? that is just me wanting academic validation to add the pressure on my family and school. Comfy and happy friends? they don’t even know what my fav color is or my birthday or what I like and dislike, but I know all of theirs. Yes, many people like me but no one really cares for me. if I’m still fine, if I’m feeling blue or if I want to unlive myself for the 20th time of the month.
Sometimes I wonder is that because I don’t open up to them? is that why they don’t know anything about me? or maybe It’s because I am a happy and comfortable friend? that’s why they think I am always fine. I have no one to open up to, not even my 5yr friend. not even my family.
I once told them I’m stressed studying and all I got is “then stop, don’t go to school anymore.” will that f*cking motivate and comfort me? f*ck how can you say that to your one and only daughter. “why did you have 88 on your card? you always stay up all night and you still have this?” but… that’s my lowest f*cking grade and all of them are 94-97 why can’t ya’ll just be proud of me… lmao ironic because my male cousin has “78” in his card and you’ll just f*cking say “it’s fine he’s still young anyway and he’s a man.” young?? when I am f*cking 8 you guys f*cking yell to me having 85!!!! f*ck.
I just really want to rest and to hear ” I am proud of you, you did a good job” but none, of you guys, ever say that… I wish if I have my next life you guys will never be my parents anymore.. I hate you.. I hate you for making me feel bad, for making me be the bad daughter… giving me gifts and food when you just f*cking said to me last week that I should just kill myself. And now you are giving me gifts and food?? like you’re a good f*cking mother?? f*ck f*ck
And I hate those people who said my mom is sooooo kind to me,,, f*ck then let’s switch a mother then f*ckyou.
I hate everyone yes they like me yes they are my friend but they don’t care enough, they don’t even know that I just cut my wrist again. they… never care…