I guess I’ll start off by saying that I really loved you. I don’t know what exactly made me fall in love you. Maybe it was the way you made me feel so happy and treated me so well. For me, that was something so different towards what I’ve ever experienced as a girl. I didn’t tell you but you were the first guy that treated me right, gave me flowers and balloons, got me food and took care of me when I was hungry or sick, and got me a bracelet.
For so long, I longed for that love. I longed to be treated well and loved as it was so different from something I’ve ever experienced. I loved you so much that nothing mattered apart from you. You know how they say that a honeymoon dies out eventually after a few months, and you should really cherish every single moment with you while it lasts.
With you, it never died. I fell in love with you more every single day, I’d picture us being together in the future. It feels so stupid to say right now, but fuck I even had pictures in my head of having children and starting a life with you. I so badly just wanted it to be you.
Despite my insecurities and how much I’m broken, I was walking on glass trying so hard to make sure that I wouldn’t fuck up the one thing good in my life. I’d refrain from saying certain things, I’d have to hold myself back because I was so terrified of loosing you. I don’t ever really remember myself messing up. I remember once I just questioned you were a virgin or not, and I questioned if there was someone else. Looking back, maybe I broke us.
Maybe I am held to be accountable for all the pain I put us through. Maybe I damaged us and broke us. But so badly, I wanted you to fight for me. I tried everything I could to be the best, most loving, loyal and supportive girlfriend that I could be- heck, I even think I was. But you left me. After all the promises and talks of how much you loved me, you left me like it was nothing- like it didn’t even hurt- like it was something you didn’t even consider.
I didn’t understand how something could tell you they loved you so much one day, and for the next to completely abandon you like it was nothing. Like the promises and the talks weren’t anything. Sometimes, despite it being a month, I still think about you when I’m trying to fall asleep. I so bad just wish that you would pick up the phone and just tell me you loved me. But you didn’t and that call never came. So many times, I push myself down and I keep thinking about how maybe I’ve just been replaced for someone better. That breaks my heart and hurts me so terribly, because I can’t even think about one person that could even replaced one bit of you.
I tried to let you go so many times, I stuck around even after you broke it off. You kept hurting me over and over again- and I watched that person I knew for months- my best friend, and the person I loved so much, just change into this new person- someone that I didn’t even recognize anymore. I don’t think you will ever realize how much you hurt me and how much pain you caused me. Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter one bit to you- maybe the love wasn’t real on your end, and that’s how you let go of me so quickly. I don’t know.
I do know that if you loved me though, things would matter more to you. It seems like I’m the one that takes all the pain, while you just sit there and remain indifferent- it’s like nothing even matters to you. You’re heartless. Where is the guy I fell in love with? Was he just an idea in my head? Was he just an illusion?
Maybe I just need to accept that I will never know, what I do not for sure though is that I would’ve fought for you. I wouldn’t have given up on you like how you did on us. I’m sitting here hurting right now, but you know what I think I’m okay with that.