A 14 year old.. I am too young to be feeling like this right? I just want to go back to my normal life like before pandemic.

I am a girl who always smiles to everyone I pass by, but now I can’t even go out my room.
I cant find myself being vulnerable around people.

I feel like I am victimising my self into thinking that I am living a hard life when I know someone out there live in more harder life.

I cant open up even if I want to
I’m afraid even after I open up no one will still able to understand it.

I’m afraid they’ll judge me and say this is all just in my head.
I’m afraid because what if it’s true?

What if it’s true that all of this problems are all in my head? What if I my own self are the one who is making my life hard.

I’m afraid to know the truth.
I’m afraid.

I feel emotions but it feels empty inside
I laugh but it doesn’t mean I’m happy.

I will always feel like I will never be good enough to everyone.

That I will disappoint them. That’s why I’m always trying my best to give my all but I’m fucking tired of this clowning shit. I cant I’m so fucking young I shouldn’t be experiencing this. I should be happy I should be that girl who smile always who feels warm, the girl who have shine in her eyes and not the girl who looks like she haven’t got any sleep due to insomnia and overthinking. 

Not the girl who doesn’t speak and give her honest opinion.. not the girl who is willing to give up her life just to see if someone will cry at her funeral.
Bring back the girl that everyone adores.
Bring her back..

FROM…. The girl that’s joking abt her problems is her coping mechanism