I don’t know where to start and that scares me. I want you to come back and text me but you’re not who you said you were, you were the guy with two names and you always will be. You had two life’s and neither were probably the right one, maybe one was who you wanted to be and the other was what others expected you to be but I fell in love with the bad one. I trusted the one that wasn’t who you were. I fell in love with the idea of the person you told me you were, I miss that person, but that’s not who you are and I know that now. 

I hope for the day you come back but in actuality you wont come back and I need to come to grips with that and i’m not ready to. I wish I knew what I do now back then and I could tell the past me to run and to not trust you and that you aren’t who you say you are so I wouldn’t become so broke, afraid to love, overanalyze everything that is said to me by a guy. I don’t know how to love anymore or trust even. you took my heart when you left and I didn’t even get to say goodbye. 

I wish I could have at least said goodbye, to tell you that I loved you and that I was ready to be with you and that I trusted the person you said you were but now that is gone. I don’t know if i’ll ever get over you and that’s not fair to my next lover. im so young and I knew better and I saw all the signs but I ignored them. and I constantly think that maybe one day you’ll wake up and tell me youre sorry but at this point if you did, id let you back in with open arms even known what I know about you but id still choose you. I chose you more than you’ll ever know. 

Im the girl whos still in love with her ex when we never dated but that’s not fair to me or anyone I want to date because they’ll never get to my love completely because of you. its like I was drowning and you just looked at me and told me to swim and then walked away as water filled my lungs and I continue to hope you’ll come and save me. I text your number constantly in hopes that you’ll unblock me and explain to me why you did it, and a bunch of those texts im yelling at you because you deserve to know how you hurt me but then the next i’m wishing for you to come back. 

Im living a fantasy world when you’ve already killed me but I don’t want to except it. so this is my goodbye to you, I loved you, I was happy with you, you became my safety net when I was falling but now you’re gone, and i’ve fallen and broken myself from loving you, maybe one day i’ll get the love that I give to people back but for now, you’ll always have a place in me.

FROM…THE GIRL WHO LOVED THE WRONG NAME