Where do I start? Since the day I got the message that you were gone, the world turned black and white. For days I didn’t move, didn’t speak, eat, or smile. Every mundane task of simply living felt so draining, so tiring, so pointless. I would look around and see children laughing from my bedroom window and wonder how they could possibly be laughing, or smiling when the world has no colour anymore. 

How any flower could possibly be blooming when you aren’t here to see it. Every tear I shed was heavy on my cheek, and every breath was painful, my throat raw from crying. When you left the world, my angel, a piece of me left, and I don’t know if it has come back yet. I shared my grief with your friends, who were mine too, and we shed our tears together in pain.

I try to remember the good memories. The memories of sitting down together in that corner, and listening to music together on my walkman. The first time we spoke, when you sat across from me and wrote me a note, to tell me that you would be my friend, and that I wasn’t alone. Playing pool with you, and you were so good at it. The letter you wrote me when you got transferred, that I kept on my desk in my room, and that I treasured so, so much. Sneaking a hug that last time, because in our hearts we both knew it might be a while before we saw each other again.

There’s so much to say, and so much to tell you about, and so many emotions and feelings that I don’t understand or know how to put into words, or organise. I’m doing well, I’m out of hospital and in school, studying hard and trying to get on with my GCSE’s. I’ve made a couple of friends, no one I’ve really clicked with like you or people that really understand me, but I am getting better at being more social and friendly. I do feel sad, and I don’t know if the feeling is ever going to go away, but I know that I have to stay.

I would give everything to have been able to save you. I don’t think you understand. I would give my life, my soul, EVERYTHING, anything if it means i would have been able to save you, just to see you one more time. I keep telling myself that there’s an afterlife, and that you are watching over me, that you’ll come back. 

But you’re only in our memories, not transported to some material world that we can’t see. I keep lying to myself because I want it to be true but deep down I think I know its not, you’re gone and the reality is I can’t save you because it’s too late, I can’t go to your funeral because its been and gone, and i can’t give you one last hug because you are buried in a grave somewhere and you haven’t been alive for over a year. 

The reality is we all pass, and you did too, just way way way too early, and it’s almost your 18th birthday but you wont get to celebrate it because you’re gone. And it hurts. And i’m not angry with you, i could never be angry with you, but i’m so so angry with the world, and myself, and i’m so so angry for all the things you didn’t get to do, and all the places you didn’t get to see.

all good things must come to an end, but i wish that wasn’t true. you will forever live in my memories, and i promise to remember the good times and i promise that i won’t go the same way as you.

i love you, so so so much, more than anyone could ever imagine, more than all the grains of sand on earth times 2000000000000 million. I value you, I hear you, I love you, and I miss you, I really do. You were such a good person to everyone but yourself. I forgive you. now i say my goodbyes again, and till we meet again.

FROM…. someone who misses you dearly