I am really just upset. Im 15, and even from the age of 5 I knew I wasn’t ever skinny. As the years went on It got worse and worse. I thought when I hit puberty I would loose all my ‘baby weight’ like my sister who weighs like 120 lbs, but no.
I just kept gaining. Last year I really got sick of it. I didn’t want to be fat anymore, so I weighed myself. The scale read 197.8 lbs. That was when I knew I couldn’t live like this anymore, so I decided to eat less. I skipped breakfast everyday then breakfast soon turned into me not eating lunch anymore at school and only a snack at home and dinner.
A while later I only ate a small portion of dinner because its okay to be hungry because once I eat dinner and go to be i won’t be hungry. I felt tired, and really just out of it. After about 2 months of this I weighed myself again. 193.6 lbs. I cried and cried, not happy tears, sad ones because I didn’t loose as much as I thought. I told myself I just needed time and it would work.
Well, then I got sick with a really bad stomach virus that caused me to not keep food down for a week or so. And then finally, I was at home alone sick, and when I steped on the scale I saw 185 lbs I was exstatic! So I didn’t eat dinner for a few more days. 182! Yes! Im doing it right? I started to eat dinner again but it was still keeping me steady so I thought all was well. Summer break started.
My family has gone out to eat a lot, Im left at home with food when ever I feel hungry I get a snack. It was going okay. The snacks started turning into me having a bagle for breakfast, pasta for lunch, snacks in between, bigger dinners, and I didn’t think anything about it you know? I thought a few lbs wouldn’t hurt. Well This morning while my bagle was cooking I weighed myself. 193.4…
I cried. I went out of the bathroom and got my bagle with my strawberry cream cheese and felt disgusting. I feel like a pig. I barley stomached it. I just want to loose weight. The only thing so far that has helped was physically not being able to eat for a week and starving myself every day. Even when I exercised daily it didn’t help. I did it for a few weeks and saw nothing.
I keep telling myself that no matter how bad I want it, I dont need it because Im already full from the bagle this morning, but then that turns into oh its fine to have lunch because I haven’t eatten since 9 this morning and its almost 12:30 and I make ramen or pasta and sauce or a salad with a ton of dressing.
Then after I finish I tell myself I can’t do this anymore I have to stop because Im going to get fat eating all of this food. Im writing this to maybe help my brain understand that I want to be hungry sometimes because if im hungry Its just my body taking all the bad things out which is good.
Part of me knows that this is really bad. That I need to eat, but if I don’t I get the results I want so I keep fighting myself every day. Im getting tired of it, so Instead of eating lunch today. Im just going to stay in bed and maybe eat a small dinner. And tomorrow, Ill go back to my school routine of no breakfast, no lunch because at school when I got hungry I noticed when I got up to do something or kept my mind busy it took away the pain.
I hope I can be skinny like the rest.
I hate myself the way I am.
Thanks for hearing my rant if anyone ever reads this. I hope someone can understand what Im feeling.
FROM…. No one