The girl in my class

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I know it’s strange if you ever come across this. I know you’d be wondering, who the hell could this person be. Why would this person send me a note online, a note that I could never read unless I really looked for it myself.

But, the thing is that. I really really like you. I think youre a cool person, youre athletic, youre smart, youre pretty, you have brains and beauty. Youre kind, youre a sweet person well from what ive seen, im sure you are. But theres also something different about you. You make me feel butterflies whenever you look at me, I feel that the world stops moving when you do and I can’t look at you straight whenever you look at me. I can’t think straight, my hearts always racing in my chest. You make me feel some type of way that I’ve never felt from anyone before.

And I find this embarrassing. I find the fact that I’m typing this into a box of unsent messages is embarrassing. Because I don’t have the guts to go up to you and confess what I feel, in person. I dont have the courage to tell you how i feel. I feel stupid because here I am, on some online website confessing my feelings to you. I can’t tell you in person, I can’t go up to you and tell you how I feel, because I’m scared. I’m scared of rejection.

I’m scared of finding out that what I’ve been feeling was just some little lie I told myself. I’m scared of realizing that you may have never liked me. I’m scared that all the “signs” that you gave me weren’t real. That all the times that you looked at me had no reason behind it. I’m scared of finding out that I’ve just been tricking myself into thinking that maybe those little glances that you gave me every day, those little glances that would keep me going through the 6 hours we were in school, were nothing.

They meant nothing. And I’m also scared that I know that one day, I’ll eventually find out youre not into girls. Because, I know, I know for a fact that you’re straight. You like boys. Not girls. And you don’t know how many times that’s made me wish I was a boy. I’ve wished so many times that I was a boy. Maybe I would’ve had a chance if I was a boy. But I’m a girl. But I also want to thank you for this reason too. Youre the reason on how I found out my sexuality. I’ve always been unsure of myself and because of you, I figured that, the way I had feelings for you were different.

I liked you, yeah. But soon enough, i was able to realise that I liked you differently. And it took a while for me to realise. I know that this is probably just a silly crush that I have. I know that this is probably just a phase I’m in. A silly stupid phase. I know it will probably die down sooner or later. But I dont think its gonna die down just yet. I really hope it does, becasue i find it so distracting. I hope you get what I’m trying to say. And I’m sorry that I’m telling you this on the Internet but I hope you can understand. I understand if you don’t. It is sudden after all, imagine looking up your name and finding a whole letter dedicated to you. But sometimes I wonder, well I want to wonder. If you’ve ever felt the same way about me, if you giggle it off to your friends like how I do every lunchtime to my friends, if we had just one small interaction with each other. I wonder if your heart has felt like it was racing. I wonder if you’ve ever felt that there were butterflies in your tummy. I wonder.

But I thank you, I thank you for being one of the sole reasons on why I go to school. I thank you for being apart of my life, even if I wasn’t ever in yours. Because you were a big part of my life and I know that once I’m older, I wouldn’t be able to forget you. Im sorry if that sounds creepy. I’m sorry if this whole thing sounds creepy. But I get if you would find this creepy, I would find it creepy too. But for me it feels like I’m letting things out. I feel a little lighter, like I’m not carrying anything in my chest anymore.

I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, the last thing id ever want to do is make you feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry. One last thing though, don’t ever forget that you’re beautiful. I hope that someone tells you that at least ten times a day. I hope that you don’t ever think that you’re not pretty. But if you’re feeling down and you think you’re not, I get that. I feel that way too sometimes. But just know that whether you’re feeling good or bad, you’re pretty inside and out and you don’t have to worry if you look good. Because you’re flawless. You’re perfect. And now this sounds cheesy. It really is cheesy, it’s embarrassing for me too. Sorry for that but it’s true. I really do mean it.

I’m gonna end things off here. I hope you don’t ever find this, I hope you’ll never look up your name in the unsent messages. Because if you do, you’ll find this. Thank you. – j

That stupid girl you always looked at