They say the body remembers things your mind can’t fathom. I woke up today, as tears misplaced in my arms, my shirt, and my longing desire that has been kept under the sheets. I dreamt of all the ways I called you mine, and you me yours. I dreamt of my old home, the wooden doors, and the cascade of paintings that were mine. Are they there anymore? Is she there anymore? We all know the answer to all of those questions. I left a part of me in that time and space that I can never enter.
I only revisit, revisit every sunrise and every sunset. When my grandmother passed away that October night, or when my house broke down into massive shreds that November afternoon, and I was 6893 miles away, you were the only thing I clung to. From my past life, a forgotten dream, a buried memory, a part of me.
Did I ever mention how many times you have kept me from falling apart when my life close to the city of rivers was coming to an end? Whenever I’ve heard your name or remembered the cackle of your laughter that reverberated in every timbre of my soul, I have called you my home. I know you loved me, but I don’t know if you’ve ever made me your home and I wish with my erratic heart that once you do find that home, you get to keep it till your fingers can’t count anymore. I sit every day in front of that house, wanting to take a peep, and give a slight knock, just to feel your shadow. I don’t want to intrude, I could never, but the pain today holds more weight than my entire body. I just want you to listen, to know I exist, when every passing day feels like all our shared memories are tiptoeing to an abyss of wasteland.
I could never be your peace. I know that. I reminded myself of that one line with every murmur in my sleep, every scream in empty closets – to diminish any desire inside me. If you ever get to read this, you will not find peace and my words will haunt you instead of embracing you. How could I ever do this to you? How could I have it in me to see your eyes pleading with pity underneath the curtains? For years, my tears had a home with my words and then you came along and it had a new place. And now you are gone, and all I have left are my words. But you do know that they are for you, right? It’s a gift I tell myself, it’s a curse in reality. 4 years ago today, it was the happiest day of my life. 4 years later, my soul is drowning, unable to breathe the air that we shared.
The pain is overbearing every ounce of my being today, T. I am so sorry, but today I have to choose my peace over yours. So my barren mind can grasp you exist, my words exist, and they exist in the same universe. I am so tired of this rotten feeling, of this makeshift world where I have to pretend a part of me is dead. When in actuality I know you exist. Just for today, let me have my peace. Please. And as empty as my promises are, I promise to linger on the door instead of intruding again. In the rushing waters of this life, my mind cannot grapple with the sudden changes. Whether it’s the roads of our small town we grew up in, or when you flinched when I wiped your tears that were inflicted by me. It’s not the same, and it never will be and yet I hold you, your memories in my hand like water.