God knows it’s OK to be unhappy with your partner. They’ve got those traits that irks you, the ones you’d rather not deal with.
They won’t close the toilet bowl when it’s not in use, prefer to turn the thermostat settings to ‘Arctic Chill’ rather than stay warm as humans should, and squeeze the toothpaste from the middle instead of the bottom.
When these things reach us, we react. We may criticize, become defensive, give the silent treatment, or use sarcasm recklessly.
While these reactions are common, they become problematic when they form a pattern. Through the sheer power of repetition, negative communication can become the default, entrenching toxic patterns in the relationship.
The key is to recognize when these occasional curveballs evolve into harmful communication habits and address them before they destroy your relationship.
Where toxic communication patterns come from
The origin story of most (if not all) toxic communication patterns starts in childhood. Even if subconsciously, we let negative experiences from our childhood affect how we communicate with our partners.
For example, those who received acts of love from their parents or caregivers as infants only when they performed well may find it easy to attack their partner’s personality rather than their behavior in an argument.
They may unconsciously start to mimic the communication style of their parents or caregivers, believing that pointing out personal flaws is a form of motivation or tough love. The fewer flaws you have, the more love you get.
That may sound far-fetched, but it’s not. It is about coping the way we know how.
Many toxic communication patterns begin as a strategy to adapt to hostile childhood environments. Children who were frequently blamed or scapegoated may develop defensiveness as a way to cope.
While these strategies were helpful for us as children to avoid emotional hurt and bruises, they are a misfit in adult relationships.
Toxic communication patterns — The Four Horsemen
Many toxic communication patterns exist under different names. It’s a very long list. However, if we’re looking for a classification broad enough to include the most toxic communication styles, it’s ‘The Four Horsemen.’
Dr. John Gottman coined the term to identify four major toxic communication styles — contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Let’s go over the meaning of these terms and what to do if you find yourself communicating in a toxic way.
Criticism
Pattern
Attacking your partner’s character or personality rather than focusing on a specific behavior or concern.
Examples
Character attack, generalization, unhealthy comparison, and labeling.
Origin
Rooted in childhood experiences where love or approval was conditional on performance, where love was received only after obedience and comportment.
What to do
- Focus on specific situations or behaviors rather than making statements attacking your partner’s personality
- Regularly appreciate the positive traits of your partner to balance out negative interactions
- Use “I” statements. It’s not ‘You never have time for me. You’re such a boring person.’ Go with ‘I feel sad that we didn’t do a fun activity today. I was looking forward to it. Can you make more time for me?’
Defensiveness
Pattern
Responding to criticism (perceived or real) by counter-attacking or playing the victim rather than taking responsibility for one’s role in the issue.
Examples
Gaslighting, counter-attacking, playing the victim, making excuses, ‘Yes, but’ statements, steamrolling and deflecting responsibility.
Origin
Typically develops as a self-protection mechanism, often in response to harsh criticism or feelings of inadequacy in childhood or past relationships.
What to do
- Take responsibility for your part in conflicts and apologize when necessary
- Listen to your partner’s concerns without immediately trying to explain or justify
- Validate your partner’s thoughts and emotions
- Try not to see feedback as an attack on you
Contempt
Pattern
Contempt may be the most dominant of the horsemen because it can break up the best of relationships. It is typically expressed by treating your partner with disrespect, mockery, or disdain—almost as if you believe they are inferior to you.
You may even see your partner as a competition, constantly doing things to outshine or undermine them.
Examples
Eye-rolling, judgy, name-calling, sarcasm, talking over your partner, or hostile humor.
Origin
It can be rooted in a sense of superiority or a lack of empathy. You’re more likely to communicate this way if you were regularly belittled as a child.
What to do
- Cultivate a culture of appreciation and respect by listening actively and using kind words every time, even when you’re angry
- Work on building fondness and admiration for your partner
- Seek couples therapy to address underlying issues
Stonewalling
Pattern
Withdrawing from the interaction, shutting down, and refusing to engage. This generally happens when a conflict feels too much to handle.
It’s also used to avoid discussing serious issues.
Examples
Tuning out, giving the silent treatment, refusing to engage, overusing the busy-ness excuse.
Origin
Often develops as a coping mechanism in childhood, particularly in households where emotional expression is discouraged or punished.
What to do
- Recognize physiological signs of emotional flooding, like a desire to escape, sweating, and an inability to think clearly
- To better manage those signs, you can agree on a ‘pause’ signal to take a break from heated discussions
- Use self-soothing techniques like deep breathing intense conversations
- Commit to revisiting the conversation when both partners are calm
Wrap Up
Relationships are like gardens. The words you exchange are the water and sunlight that nourish your connection or wither it away.
When respect and compassion flow through conversations, relationships blossom. But when toxic communication patterns take root, they can choke out even the strongest bonds.
Next time you’re in a heated discussion, pause and ask yourself: “Is this truly the most loving way to respond to my partner?” This simple question can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and change.
Building a healthier communication style is like learning any new skill – it takes practice.
Start by focusing on these key elements:
Respect — treat your partner’s feelings and opinions as valid, even when disagreeing.
Compassion — approach discussions with empathy.
Active listening means genuinely hearing your partner’s words, not just waiting for your turn to speak.
‘I’ statements — express your feelings without blaming or attacking.
At first, these techniques might feel awkward, like learning a new dance. But stick with it, and soon, you’ll find that it’s worth it.
If you’re struggling with managing toxic communication, BridgeHope Family Therapy can help.
Dr. Bradford Stucki, a licensed marriage and family therapist is skilled at both spotting and helping couples to eliminate their toxic communication patterns.