The upcoming message is what I send my best friend addressing you:
“Sorry but I have to get this out whether you read it or not.
Yes, I envied people having crushes and being in relationships with people they know, not only celebrities. I was fine with having crushes on celebrities who I knew I would never meet once in my life. Having an obsessive crush on them was fine, knowing that tomorrow after I woke up, I wouldn’t have to face them and be embarrassed for myself, myself. Having unrealistic thoughts is something I genuinely didn’t want.
I didn’t want to go somewhere and make eye contact with them the first thing.
I didn’t want to notice the small things like how long their hair is, how wet it is, did they cut it or not. I didn’t want to notice what kind of clothes they look good in. I didn’t want to notice what COLOUR they look good in. I didn’t want to notice their smiles, their laughs, their eyes. I didn’t want to glance at them during class. The one thing I never did, for anyone else but the people I cared for.
Classes being canceled should’ve made me angry if my syllabus didn’t end. Now, it should make me happier. I get more time to rest, practice question papers, and revise notes. I should be glad that the lab has been canceled. I don’t have to come back home, have a bath, get ready like Flash, and then leave. I can rest. But no. They piss me off. Why are classes canceled?
Why should I care if someone doesn’t do their classes? They are missing out on lessons. Why should that bother me? It never did, until now. Going to class, and seeing them not there, makes me lose interest in the class entirely. EVERY FUCKING TIME, I want chances to get glances toward the left. No one was there until now. AND I HATE IT.
Yes, boys give me attention most of the time me is new. Why? People hate me for my loud introverted personality. Where does that go when I am with him? I should feel crazy every time a boy talks to me, isn’t it? NO. Only Him? Why? I sometimes feel my face burning. I don’t know what to do most of the time.
During labs, if I am not sitting with him, I want to glance back at him just to see how he is doing. Even though I know, he will be fine. My exams are in 49 days, instead of studying what am I doing most of the time? Thinking of him? BINGO! Yes.
He is the type of boy to leave class early, to go home and sleep. I get accompanied by my parents every single day. And even though I am 99% sure it’s going to be a one-sided shit. There’s 1% of me in the fucking back of my brain literally making the wildest theories. And it’s a fucking dominant gene. What were the odds?
Last bit of continuation from the last day: I don’t like younger guys.”
Yes, I send them to her after sir told us that classes will be canceled due to the MBBS examinations. And I was pissed. Because it meant not being able to see you. I still don’t want to accept whatever the fuck is going on inside my mind. I am going crazy. Today (13th of March, 2023) I talked with you only once, that’s after I entered and I asked you whether class started.
That would be it for any normal human. But not for me. My mind went as far as seeing what color shirt you were wearing. And after I realized we were both wearing mainly white, you never knew how much I started overthinking in the middle of the class. I started hoping we would make eye contact during class, but it’s weird. You sit behind me on the left side of the room. Why should I even look at you? I don’t know. But yes, from moving my hair away from my face to covering my face out of frustration, you never know how many moods I go through.
I don’t even know when it started. I was just trying to get through the year by passing with good grades, not wondering whether you go through the same thing. This has become so bad that I have started noticing the fact that you moved on from wearing t-shirts to wearing shirts. I don’t want to notice that you look good in green and white. I don’t want to notice which actions make you look good. I don’t want YOU to specifically talk to me in class. What have you fucking done?