It’s been 6 months since we broke up… 2 months since the divorce has been finalized.
I had a dream about you last night. You were back to your old sweet self, the Maddy i knew before you told me you wanted to leave. at the end of the dream we had a long hug and it felt so real. I didn’t wanna let go. and when I woke up, i tried so hard to fall back asleep to try and keep the dream going, just to see you, feel you, talk to you… one more time.
I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s literally been impossible for me to love another. and I’ve tried. i swear. I just end up hurting people bcz im not ready. or i think im over you and then a few days later you’re all i think about.
then the cycle just repeats. sometimes i think about how i never wanna feel this pain again, so i shouldn’t even be trying to date at all.
You though, you’ve found someone. and you seem happy. you found her almost as soon as you broke up with me. and maybe it was meant to be, perfect timing for yall, but definitely not for me. you tried hiding it… but i found out. and i know you don’t care. you have no sympathy for me, no regards for my feelings. No nothing. And you’re valid in that.
I don’t know why you feel the need to treat me the way you do, i was nothing but polite and well mannered throughout the whole divorce. gave you whatever you wanted. only took what was mine. you even lied to me and stole Blue :/ and i still forgave you for that after i got him back.
in the end, i guess our marriage meant nothing to you.
Me tho? I still have our box full of stuff, i found a pair of your scrubs that were in one of my duffel bags, and all the pictures i have of us because you didn’t want a single one. I keep one under my mousepad just to look at when i miss you.
I never wish this feeling on anyone. It’s like my heart being ripped out every single day with every thought i have of you. Every night i lay here in my empty bed, and i wonder where i could’ve just figured it out and saved us. changed whatever ways i needed to just so you didn’t sit me down on august 11th and flip my life upside down. Not a week has gone by since then where i haven’t shed a tear over it all. As i watch you, laugh and enjoy life with her.
I’ll only put her in here as J.
I hope J treats you the way I couldn’t. I hope she gives you everything in life I wasn’t able to. I hope she can hold you close every single night the way i did, and make sure you’re okay. because in the end Maddy, all I want is for you to be happy. I want for you to enjoy life and be in love and get everything you deserve. I see the way you talk about her, and it’s the same way you used to talk about me when i didn’t have to question your love for me. when it was pure and happy and young. im glad you found that.
I don’t think i’ll have that for a very long time. and that’s okay. this pain i feel is the last thing i have connected to you and it’s a reminder that my love for you was real. that it wasn’t wasted.
I’m happy to have given you a chunk of my life and be able to experience a lot with you. even if you weren’t my soulmate forever, you were my soulmate for a period of time that i’ll never forget.
and i’ll always always always hold a special place for you in my heart.
I think, if i haven’t found someone new to give my love to by then, that if you came back to me and wanted a second chance, i’d give it to you in a heartbeat. we’d have to talk about a lot of stuff. but i’d do it all over again even if it ended up with the same result.
i still defend your name. to my family, friends, and anyone else who even lets your name cross their lips. i’ll always defend you my love. no matter how you treat me, in this life or the next.
I love you. I’m in love with you. and as much as i can’t wait to shake this feeling of pain, grief, sorrow, and hurt off… i’m okay with it living inside me for now. one day, maybe, just one day in the future, it’ll have been for a reason. maybe you’ll find your way back. even though i know you won’t cause you’re not that type of person. but i like to be delusional lol.I miss you. i love you. and i will for the rest of my life Madison.
You’ll never see this letter but knowing i put it out in the universe is enough for me. and i’ll put out more. i have a lot to tell you as my life continues without you yknow.
Blue says he loves you. And i make sure he never forgets you. Btw i did his dna test. i think you’ll be surprised if you ever heard it (you won’t).
Anyways, it’s 1am. And i’m holding back tears now. Goodnight Madison. I love you. talk to you soon.
