I find myself in a place where I have so much to say, yet I struggle to find the words. Lately, I’ve been feeling an overwhelming sense of depression, shame, and frustration with myself. I used to be someone with a bright mindset, a top student, and a perfectionist. But everything changed on that fateful day, December 2. I had set my sights on attending a specific school abroad, to compete with the best of my generation, and to grow as a person. When the WASSCE results were released that day, I felt as if my dreams had been crushed in an instant.
I had worked so hard to achieve outstanding grades, and everything seemed to be on track as my parents had promised. But one decision altered the course of my life completely. Instead of the path I had envisioned, I found myself attending a university I never wanted to be a part of. Regret began to seep into my experience, and as my grades started to decline, I spiraled further into depression. I tried to pull myself up and make the best of my situation, and I am still fighting to do so, but the weight of my regrets and frustrations remains heavy.
I often think about placing blame for my situation, but I choose not to. Instead, I look inward, holding myself responsible for being such a perfectionist that I break down when my plans go awry. I feel weak for not voicing my discontent—after all, in my culture, questioning my parents would be seen as disrespectful. I foolishly believed that everything would work out in the end.
I find myself questioning how all of this happened. I wonder if things would have been different had my brother not refused to register at the university simply because he didn’t get the course he wanted. I wasn’t surprised when I heard he didn’t get into medical school; his grades were disappointing, yet my dad did everything he could for him. Despite being offered a course in political science, my brother turned it down. Later, he sought a private university, and my dad helped him gain admission. But when it came to my own future, I had little say. Since my brother didn’t get in, I was expected to attend that university, regardless of the offers I received or how I felt. It hit me hard that I was merely stepping into the space my brother left behind, tasked with reclaiming a pride that wasn’t even mine.
Now, I carry the burden of regret, knowing that it’s too late to change my circumstances. I have one last semester to graduate, and I can only hope that everything goes smoothly. I think back to my mom’s concerns about my friendships. I always thought it was tied to my introverted nature, but now I understand that it stems from my fear of opening up and allowing others in. I keep my relationships superficial because I’m terrified of getting hurt again and of becoming emotionally vulnerable.
Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings. I hope to find a way to navigate through this darkness and emerge stronger on the other side.
