Dear YVM

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I have flipped through the letters on this app countless times now after I stumbled upon a few that reminded me of us. I let it go because they’re not dated and I couldn’t be sure; I figured if I saw another one that hinted towards it then maybe I would think differently. I’ve spent two years trying to let this go, thinking (so wrongly) that I can toss you aside and forget about you as I did so easily with all those after you. I ran through one man after another, not realizing why none of them satisfy me or become inevitably dishonest. But nothing hurt me as much as we did.

I thought it was because you’re my first love, I thought it would go away, I started burying you as deep as I could push you. But it’s cuz they weren’t the one for me. You are. And in the end, trying to forget you just broke me even more. So I gave up and this is me telling you that I love you. I just do. I have never stopped. I miss you. I feel you in everything and see you in everything. Any little good thing that happens to me I wish I could share with you. God, I wish you could just hold me in your arms and I could cry out everything I went through because other than myself, you’re the only person who has ever made me feel safe.

I can’t get over you. I want the best for you. I want your success. I want your happiness. I would literally remove myself from your entire existence if it would mean you’d live the happiest life you can. I just would. I’d die for you. I’d take a bullet for you. I’d take a grenade. I’d suffer and cry and I am okay with everything I went through because if anything it’s shown me just how much I love you. I’m done punishing myself for still loving you because honestly, you did rock my world. You are so beautiful.

You always saw the potential in me but I wish so badly you could see everything I see in you. You are everything I could ever want, sexy, charming, creative and so polite. I remember when you first met my friends you shook their hands hahaha. They made fun of us but honestly, at that moment I thought it was so assertive of you and I loved it. I even started doing it after myself. Honestly, you’ve taught me more about myself than you even know I just had space to say it to you.

My love, you deserve someone who loves you with their whole heart, no matter what stage of life you’re in whether it’s rich or broke or taken or single. You deserve someone whose heart still flutters getting a msg from you even after 4 years since the last time they saw you. I know it’s been so long and I know we were too dumb to know what was going on. I know this is going to be crazy for everybody else but us. But I just can’t help but think we had something so special. A connection so strong, we were a family.

Even calling you those few times I felt it still, it was so natural between us. I hope that maybe you’ll find this message and you’ll know I read yours. You’ll know how badly I want my family back, my home. I love you. Probably forever will. Come back to me so I can share with you all the letters and poems I’ve written to you over the years. I can’t share them with the world because I don’t want you to think they’re for anybody but you. I miss you. If not in this life, I can’t wait to see you again in my next one.

Je t’aime encore.

The one that got away

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