Hi Sunflower,
I think you know who you are, though I’m pretty sure you will never come across this site or this letter.
To be completely honest, I sometimes pray that you regret having done what you did. Sometimes I wish for you to ache for me like I did—sometimes I still do.
I never thought it would affect me this much. However, considering we were together for almost two years, I think it makes sense, haha. It would be weird if it *didn’t* hurt.
Still, it hurt a lot at first. Everything reminded me of you. Every conversation I had and every media I consumed felt like they were connected to you. Sometimes, I still associate you with stuff. Heartache doesn’t leave a person that quickly, you know what I mean? Maybe you don’t. But that’s okay. I took a step in our relationship knowing that you would be different. I didn’t know if it was in a good way or a bad one. I still don’t know.
You weren’t good. You weren’t bad. You were just… nice. Just alright. You made me feel alright. And for those 1,5 years, you made me feel like I had a future waiting for me.
At first, I thought I couldn’t live with this pain. I still see you in my dreams, you know? I wake up feeling like crap, but I can’t control my subconsciousness. That’s just the way life goes. After our last conversation, I thought I’d still want to talk to you. I needed time, of course, but since I couldn’t imagine a life without you (the thought alone gave me a tummyache), I thought I could keep following you on social media. See what you were up to. It turned out that I couldn’t.
Any sign of you posting or liking something or talking to someone gave me a headache. It hurt. Though at the same time, I wanted to know what you were doing. So for a while, it stayed that way. Until the day I decided to get a hold of myself and stop constantly thinking about what you were up to. I needed to start from somewhere, right? I don’t know what you thought of it, but I was proud of myself. I was sad, of course, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t doing the right thing.
I’m sorry to every friend I cut off just because they were your friend too. They didn’t do anything wrong; I just felt horrible when I came in contact with anything or anyone that reminded me of you. I hope they don’t hold a grudge. Quite frankly, cutting people off made me feel better. Of course it was lonely at first, but I knew that it would kill me if I spoke to them. I knew that if I had the slightest chance to reach you from anywhere, I wouldn’t be able to break my cycle. I did what I had to do for myself. I hope all of you are having nice lives, though. It didn’t hurt a lot because all of them were closer to you than they were to me. Nonetheless, they were my friends too.
I’m getting off track. I guess I hid all of these feelings for far too long that they just came out. Maybe if you *do* magically come across this letter, you’ll think I’m cringe. Maybe I’m silly, but I just had to let everything out. Say the things I couldn’t say to you. I don’t want to speak to you directly ever again. You might think I’m exaggerating, but I hope I’m not. To be completely honest, I hope we never cross paths again. I’m not saying this because I hate you; quite the opposite, actually—I love you. Which is why I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to give myself false hope and hurt my own feelings. I hope you get me someday.
It still upsets me knowing that nobody will ever quite understand me the way you did. But the most upsetting thing of all is that I will never understand why you ended things. You left a lot of questions and doubts in my mind that I’ll never get answers to. I know that not everything has an answer, and even if they do, we cannot always know them. Still, they’ll stay there for eternity.
I know I’m not speaking to you, but I still care (unfortunately), so happy birthday. Yes, you probably will *never* come across this letter. Still, I can sleep in peace now that I let everything out of my chest. I hope you get everything you ever wanted, and I hope I never hear a word about it. I hope you feel my absence everywhere you go, because I certainly do feel yours. Will it pass? Probably. Do I know when? No. But that’s okay. It gets easier to accept it each day. Sorry for the rant; I’ve become quite the yapper since you left me. Hard to believe it’s almost been three months, right?
Happy birthday once more. (18/02) 🌻💛
P.S. I’m submitting this letter to everywhere I know. I need it published in order to put my mind at ease.
