Why are you doing this to me? Why does this bittersweet feeling carries within me every time I wake up? I open my eyes only to see that I couldn’t fall asleep for eternity as I wished the other night.
My feet lately feel heavy, by every step. My hands don’t have the ability to write no more, as if the red thread of destiny that tied stubbornly onto my finger the day we met was somewhat a chain.
I’ve been thinking what few more words I could say to you, yet they fade away each time that I see your lively face once again. You have became poison but healing for me at the same moment, and so on, now I am stuck in a limbo that maybe just some words of you could break.
This is my fault for being so weak and selfish, for feeling this hopeless and hopeful at both. I have telled myself countless times ‘This is the last day’ but you always came to me and make my heart rise again like if the world simply wished to torture me more.
I see you, but I can’t get close to you because my mind won’t forget that I do not deserve so. So I try to get away, but the same voice screams desperately because it can’t let go the only reason for not ceasing to exist. Everything would be better if I could just dissapear every trail of me in all kinds of ways.
I have promised myself that I will not love you because you make this moribund body feel alive, yet because of the essence that you leave everytime another word cames out from you. We are somehow like the sun and the moon, the only difference being that, you are the most shining ray of sunshine in the planet and I not much more than an useless rock floating through existence. The only difference being that, we are not in the same solar system, since you belong to an absolutely different world from mine.
The only difference being that, we are just teenagers after all. You live the life as if everyday was the last day, while I live wishing that everyday was the last. You hang out with those pretty girls and goofy boys in the recess, while I sit in an empty bench hoping that I wasn’t born in myself but one of them.
You keep talking to me even though everyone as gaved up on doing so.
I wonder if you know all of this, or if I am just another person in your get-along list. But now that it all seems hopeless, I wonder if another action of you could save me again. Maybe I am the one that needs to save myself before its too late, but that sounds somewhat far even when I say it.
Now that the future seems vague, like if I was already a corpse, I really do wonder, if everything will be okay as you said one day of those.
